Revision - Adding Sentences

Chelsea has written the following short story based on the French Revolution. Read Chelsea’s short story and look for any revisions she should make. Then answer the questions that follow.

Battle at the Bastille

(1) Henri Fontaine stood looking up at the mighty Bastille, trying to put on a brave face while his heart pounded like a drum in his chest and his hands trembled. (2) Men, commoners like Henri, surrounded him on all sides, each grasping a weapon. (3) Some had beautiful swords or heavy muskets, while others had simply made weapons using whatever they could find. (4) Henri guessed there must be close to a thousand people there who were ready to help capture the royal fortress and show they were no longer willing to obey their tyrannical king.

U1-31 Chelsea wants to add the following detail to the first paragraph (sentences 1–4).

Several men where holding large, heavy rocks.

Where is the BEST place to insert this sentence?

• A. Before sentence 1

• B. Before sentence 2

• C. After sentence 3

• D. After sentence 4

(14) After they disappeared, everyone grew calm for a while. (15) Henri guessed the others, like him, were probably feeling optimistic that the governor would agree to their requests, and so there would be no need for violence. (16) As the hours went by these hopes began to fade, and the group once again grew frustrated and angry.

U1-33 Chelsea would like to add a sentence to help with the transition between the fifth paragraph (sentence 13) and the sixth paragraph (sentences 14–16). Which sentence should Chelsea add to the end of the fifth paragraph, just after sentence 13?

• A The governor opened the gates just far enough for the men to step inside, and then quickly slammed them shut.

• B The men talked about everyday things like which crops they were growing and how their children were doing.

• C When they were almost close enough to walk through the gates, they realized the governor’s offer might be a trap.

• D The two men whispered back and forth, and Henri would have given almost anything to hear what they were saying.

Kelin would like to see more people living in smaller, simpler houses. He has written this argument to convince others that living small would benefit them and the environment in many ways. Read Kelin’s argument and look for any revisions he should make. Then answer the questions that follow.

Living Large in Small House

(6) A tiny house is about a quarter of the size of a typical home. (7) Some can be so small that you can hitch one to the back of a truck and drive it from one location to another, like a mobile home. (8) If you don’t like your current view, just move your tiny house to a better one! (9) Despite their size, tiny houses have everything in them that you need, such as a kitchen, bathroom, living area, and some kind of space for a bed. (10) Some rooms are so small that, for example, from the middle of a room you might be able to raise your arms and touch opposite walls. (11) Because they’re so small, tiny houses consume less material to build, less power to heat, and less stuff to decorate. (12) In the case of tiny houses, though, less means more: you save money when you build and live in a tiny home.

U2-32 Kelin has left an important detail out of the second paragraph (sentences 6–12).

On reason why builders of tiny houses make everything small and simple is to minimize waste.

Where is the BEST place to insert this sentence?

• F After sentence 8

• G After sentence 9

• H After sentence 10

• J After sentence 12

(18) Tiny houses require less work to maintain because, well, they’re tiny! (19) Your time is spent with your family and friends rather than with household chores. (20) And tiny is trendy right now. (21) There are more tiny houses being built than ever before, and they are easy to customize just like a large house

U2-34 Kelin would like to add some detail to support the idea he has presented in sentence 18. Which sentence could BEST follow and provide support for sentence 18?

• F Some of them are as small as one hundred square feet, which makes them easy to clean.

• G They can be built on a very small piece of property or a large one.

• H There’s no basement to waterproof, no garage to keep clean, and no complicated landscaping to prune.

• J They’re small enough that you can build one yourself in less time than it would take to build a large home.

Steven has written the following letter to persuade a charitable organization to open a branch facility in his community. Read Steven’s letter and look for any revisions he should make. Then answer the questions that follow.

(29) I hope you will consider extending volunteer opportunities to our community. (30) You will be providing food to people who need it and giving kids like me a way to help others.

U3-35 Steven wants to close his letter with a call to action. Which sentence could be added after sentence 30 to accomplish this goal?

• A Let’s join together as young people working to demonstrate leadership for a better quality of life.

• B Clearly, the efforts of the donors and volunteers will be appreciated by many needy people in our community.

• C Because a healthier community starts now, please consider moving your facility to Boerne, Texas, to enhance your mission of ending hunger.

• D To repeat, people in poverty here in Boerne have limited funds and need your support in putting food on the table for their families.

Robert has written the following history research paper about Rosa Parks. Read Robert’s paper and look for any revisions he should make. Then answer the questions that follow.

A Brave Act in Montgomery

(5) Rosa Parks took the most important bus ride of her life on December 1, 1955. (6) She was coming home from her shift at a department store, where she worked as a seamstress. (7) At that time, busses in Montgomery, Alabama, were divided into two sections. (8) Parks chose a seat near the middle of the bus, just behind the section reserved for white passengers. (9) African American passengers had a section at the back of the bus, while white passengers sat in the front rows of the bus.

U4-32 Robert wants to improve the coherence of the second paragraph (sentences 5–9) by moving sentence 9 to another place in the paragraph. Where is the BEST place to move sentence 9 to accomplish this goal?

• F Before sentence 5

• G Before sentence 6

• H Before sentence 7

• J Before sentence 8

Robert has written the following history research paper about Rosa Parks. Read Robert’s paper and look for any revisions he should make. Then answer the questions that follow.

A Brave Act in Montgomery

(18) On December 5, the day of Rosa Parks’s trial, members of the African American community stayed off the busses in Montgomery to protest her arrest. (19) The boycott was originally supposed to last only one day, but it was so successful that the organizers decided to extend it. (20) For more than a year, African Americans in Montgomery refused to step foot on the city’s busses. (21) The bus company lost a great deal of money during the protest, and many busses sat empty. (22) The Montgomery Bus Boycott finally ended on December 20, 1956, when the Supreme Court ruled that segregated seating on busses was a violation of the U.S. Constitution. (23) From that day forward, African Americans riding the busses of Montgomery were free to choose any seat they liked.

(24) The Montgomery Bus Boycott was a huge victory for African Americans, and it encouraged them to continue to fight against discrimination and segregation. (25) The boycott is often described as the event that started the Civil Rights Movement led by Martin Luther King, Jr. (26) During the 1950s and 1960s, African Americans fought for and won many of the rights white Americans took for granted. (27) Incredibly, it all began one December evening when Rosa Parks decided she was not going to give up her seat on the bus.

U4-34 Robert would like to improve the fourth paragraph (sentences 18-23) of his research paper by adding a supporting detail. Which of the following would be BEST to add after sentence 20 to accomplish this goal?

• F Of course, there were some African Americans who had no choice but to take the bus.

• G They walked to work, took taxis operated by African Americans drivers, and carpooled.

• H The people who owned the bus company in Montgomery did not seem concerned.

• J It took a lot of planning and organization to make the protest last as long as it did.

(24) The Montgomery Bus Boycott was a huge victory for African Americans, and it encouraged them to continue to fight against discrimination and segregation. (25) The boycott is often described as the event that started the Civil Rights Movement led by Martin Luther King, Jr. (26) During the 1950s and 1960s, African Americans fought for and won many of the rights white Americans took for granted. (27) Incredibly, it all began one December evening when Rosa Parks decided she was not going to give up her seat on the bus.

U4-35 Robert wants to better develop the ideas in the final paragraph (sentences 24–27) by adding an example after sentence 26. Which sentence would be BEST to add after sentence 26 to accomplish this goal?

• A In 1957, nine African American students who arrived at a public high school in Arkansas were prevented from entering the building by an angry crowd.

• B When President Eisenhower signed the Civil Rights Act of 1957, he made a promise to look into the issue of voter fraud.

• C In 1963, Martin Luther King, Jr. delivered his famous “I Have a Dream” speech during the March on Washington.

• D Thanks to the Fair Housing Act of 1968, people could no longer be prevented from buying or renting property because of the color of their skin.

Alyssa wrote a research report about Greek heroes for English class. Read the start of Alyssa’s research report and think about any revisions she needs to make. Then answer the questions that follow.

The Heroes of Greek Mythology

(10) Because they are half gods, Greek heroes often have exceptional abilities and powers. (11) Just as important, because they are part human, they can be harmed and even possibly defeated by their opponents. (12) In his book The Ancient Greek Hero in 24 Hours, Gregory Nagy describes the importance of this characteristic in the following quote: “…even though they are all descended in some way or another from the gods, however many generations removed, heroes are mortals, subject to death.”

(13) Greek heroes carry out deeds that are extremely difficult; what they are able to accomplish may even seem impossible. (14) Heracles, also known as Hercules, had to perform not just one or two remarkable feats, but twelve. (15) These tasks are officially known as the Twelve Labors of Heracles. (16) The stories featuring Heracles clearly illustrate a common trait of Greek heroes. (17) They include defeating a ferocious lion with an incredible defense: the lion’s fur protected the animal from being harmed by arrows. (18) These weapons simply bounced off the lion’s body and fell to the ground, so Heracles had to overpower the beast with his bare hands.

U5-34 Alyssa would like to further develop the ideas in the third paragraph (sentences 10–12) by adding a detail after sentence 10. Which sentence would be BEST to place after sentence 10 to further develop the ideas in the paragraph?

• F Orion, for example, is a familiar name because there is a constellation named for him.

• G Orion, for example, was the son of Poseidon, and he was a highly skilled hunter.

• H The stories of Orion, for instance, tell of him walking on water without sinking.

• J The myths about Orion, for instance, clearly show that he is not an ordinary man.

(13) Greek heroes carry out deeds that are extremely difficult; what they are able to accomplish may even seem impossible. (14) Heracles, also known as Hercules, had to perform not just one or two remarkable feats, but twelve. (15) These tasks are officially known as the Twelve Labors of Heracles. (16) The stories featuring Heracles clearly illustrate a common trait of Greek heroes. (17) They include defeating a ferocious lion with an incredible defense: the lion’s fur protected the animal from being harmed by arrows. (18) These weapons simply bounced off the lion’s body and fell to the ground, so Heracles had to overpower the beast with his bare hands.

U5-35 Alyssa wants to improve the organization of the fourth paragraph (sentences 13–18) by moving sentence 16 to another place in the paragraph. Where is the BEST place to move sentence 16 to accomplish this goal?

• A Before sentence 13

• B Before sentence 14

• C Before sentence 15

• D Before sentence 18