It's The End Of The World And I'm In My Bathing Suit

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devised On the third day of summer vacation, I devised the perfect three-month plan.

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planned or invented

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I'd be granted complete and utter freedom.

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approved or given

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minimize

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to make less of something

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I shake my head as I snare the box of Froot Loops, aka the best cereal ever.

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to take quickly

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belting

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to sing loudly

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sashays

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to dance around

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I whirl around to face my non-dairy tormented.

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someone who is nice to you

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Neanderthal (in context: "The point is, I want to not be alone with WBD bad enough to wish that my Neanderthal brother was around-which I gotta tell you is not a wish I take lightly.")

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a caveman acting person

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misfortune I had the terrible misfortune of hearing you sing.

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something bad

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misery

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pain